Bastard Texts

Texts to The Bastard

Please note: these are real Texts and the views within do not necessarily reflect the views of the Editors.

If you want to send us a text to us, please e-mail us at texts@the-bastard.com and we might publish it. If it is Interesting or makes us laugh.

No one should have to sit next to an unpleasant person

A 50- something year old white woman arrived at her seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn't want the seat. The seat was next to a black

A Visit to the Dentist

The female dentist prepares the needle to give the bloke with the toothache an anaesthetic injection.

“No way! No needles, I hate needles!” the guy said.

So the dentist starts

Medical fact

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke. On the other hand, If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well!

Bernard Matthews

Rumour is that James Blunt is to sing at Bernard Matthews' funeral…I wonder what song he’ll perform

It is ironic that he should die on Thanksgiving Day

Well we now know what is going into

England World Cup Jokes

Fabio Capello has set up a friendly match against Iceland to try and cheer fans up. If we beat them then we go on to play Tesco's and then Sainsbury's.

You give £2-00 a month

One of lifes great mysterys is

One of lifes great mysterys is why is it that a woman can fit a seven inch cock into a her half inch fanny IN THE DARK...

But she is unable to fit a fifteen foot car into a

Chav Gags

How do you start an argument with a chav?
Speak!

What do you call a chav in a tastfully decorated house?
The burglar.

What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?
The bride.

[b]What

Drowning man

I saw a Pakistani man drowning the other day and instantly contacted the emergency services.

I do hope that they find him or it would have been a complete waste of a stamp

Dressed to Kill

Went out to a night club last night, and I gotta say I was dressed to kill!

Beard, Sandals, Turban, Backpack...

Tattoo

Paddy's girl friend has a tattoo of a sea shell at the top of her inner thigh. Paddy thinks its fecking amazing coz if you put your ear to it you can smell the sea!

Dog on a Bike..?	10/10/2009 15:29
Essex School Girl	10/10/2009 15:24
Tsunami News	10/10/2009 15:13
Stephen Gately Gags	10/10/2009 15:09
Foreplay	10/10/2009 15:06
Hotel Hi jinks	10/10/2009 15:03
Five words that women use:	20/08/2009 05:07
Star Trek	20/08/2009 04:56
More Jacko Jokes	27/06/2009 09:06
Wacco Jacco's Dead	26/06/2009 10:49

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